Just for a moment: a temporary sense of security in an uncertain world

Today, well supposed to be tomorrow, the payment for the month will go into my bank account. It’s universal credit. And I feel awful that I get it. But if I’ve been really careful the month before, there will be more there!

I can’t do any more with it, there isn’t an increase in what I get, but how I spend and save can change what I can do with the funds I have. I definitely went without to get that sum into my account – and I did some work that paid appallingly – but it was enough to bolster what I receive.

I look at it for a bit, and I feel like I’ve achieved something: I got through another month. Made the phone calls, had the meetings, dealt with the meltdowns my son experiences, and the anger and the fear and the constant worry that I’ll be on the bones of my backside in a month if I lose this. But I know, always, that there are people out there who just don’t want me to have this … that think I don’t deserve it.

I finally made enquiries about my health, and it’s not the best. I’ve put it off. I have great friends, not masses of family. My son and I call all of them ‘Framily’, friends who are family, and we love them ever so much.

But they can’t always step in and I can’t always ask them, it’s actually really hard. Some days lately, my son has been staying away at his girlfriend’s. It’s a very difficult impasse we have reached as he’s too immature to be away for a long time without a huge fallout, but too ‘growing up’ to not be allowed more freedom.

The intricacies of being mum to a child who needs additional support are ridiculous when you are on social security as your primary income. It’s tying, but also, it is so precarious. I find it hard to describe the layers of additional work around supporting my son in everything – from education to social support – the workload of caring takes some of the joy out of parenting at times.

Still, I have tonight where, after checking my bank account so many times (the payment is there), I’ll do the same thing as I always do: imagine that I can move heaven and earth with this, I can make things go further because I have more. The dichotomy of having more, eh?!

My friend and I always said that if we had a chicken in the freezer, some veg and milk and bread, we can live like queens and kings. It feels like something good if you can feed your family for a few days and maybe have enough fuel in the car to get out and about … I have an old car, it’s cost me a fortune in repairs, and it means we have nothing for fancy clothes or for other things. It might not be a luxury to some, but we are mobile and it makes a world of difference.

I think, ultimately, I would take our tough but honest life above the life of a person who can lie to people like me to get my vote, and leave my son and I in precarity and getting worse daily.

The thing I love most about myself is that I never give up. It’s that I care so deeply about changing this isolation and dystopian reality for others, that I don’t think I will ever give up sharing and challenging and being exactly who and what I am now.

I’ve earned the support I get, I earn it every day. I am a good mum, a good person; and I want to tell the government that for a few hours tonight, as I check my bank account one more time, that in these moments when I feel that I matter – when I feel secure in my income and know that it won’t be disappearing soon – is when I have the capacity to advance. And one day, that will be a wage for the work I do. Benefit support, social care support, and the recognition that I deserve this will have helped me to be able to reach my full potential, just by supporting me for a bit to get there. By taking care of me, the government will have taken care of my son, too, and that is priceless.

Don’t take that away from me and people like me, please. Don’t be ambiguous about what cuts will be made, how, and why. Don’t remove financial scaffolding at a time of deepest need. Please make it a priority to understand what will help us the most, and let’s make a contract together. Don’t leave us out of this, we will make all of the difference if you let us help you.