Someone Needs to Have a Word with Criteria’s Agent ...

Because honestly?

They’ve got the reputation of Beyoncé

but the people skills of a damp envelope.



Everyone’s trying to meet Criteria.

They’re booked and busy, apparently.

The name’s everywhere

“Oh, sorry, you don’t meet Criteria.”

“Try again when Criteria says yes.”

“Unfortunately, Criteria has spoken.”



But have you ever actually seen them?

Because Criteria is slippery.

Like a greased-up slug in designer shoes.

They hate people,

avoid eye contact,

and only communicate through soul-crushing emails.



They ghost referrals.

They dodge responsibility.

They say “no” with the smugness of someone

who’s never had to fill in their own PIP form.



Criteria thinks they’re perfect.

Because everyone wants to meet them.

They confuse scarcity with superiority.

They raise the bar just to avoid having to deal with actual people.

Can’t let just anyone in

especially not someone messy, honest, or visibly struggling.



They like their pain neat,

their files thick,

and their inbox ignored.



They work in isolation, of course.

Criteria refuses you here,

which means you can’t access support there.

Another Criteria down the road shrugs:

“Well, you weren’t flagged by the last one…”

And just like that, you’re back at square one

with nothing but a “no” and a rising sense of despair.



They’ve never lived your reality.

Never faced the fallout.

But still, they decide, still

convinced they know best.

Still, they hold the clipboard.