Diary entries cover a variety of topics, some of which you may find triggering. These topics include self-harm, suicide and domestic violence.
15 Dec 2022

Evelyn D

Hi… I have been so low… yes there are good bits, yes we move forward, but when you are not on a good income, EVERYTHING is hard. Every decision is tinged with the issues associated with being able to afford something, everything.

You can’t escape counting pennies and in fact that’s exactly what my boy and I are doing. How did we get to this? Again.

We’ve been here before in the FREEZING COLD, but it was because I couldn’t afford to replace or keep fixing my boiler and I had inadequate heating provision in my old and part refurbished house. Now it’s because I cannot afford to heat the house all the time. It’s high ceilings, poorly insulated loft and general issues associated, mean that there are significant cold spots in our home.

Less showers, less cooking, all means that we save money which means we get to do something away from the house. I also am loaned to the hilt due to moving house, and I just honestly can’t keep it going with the stress and worry so those escapes are essential. And especially for my son who deserves better.

Recently, I had my Universal Credit just stopped. Nobody told me it would be stopping and there were issues at the job centre. I had been charged with managing my sons SEN budget. Paying care and education providers from the money I received from the LA. I can not use it for anything else. But that meant that I had to take in proof to the job centre, so I did, they stopped my payment with no notice and I went under, guys. My clutch recently went on my car, £350, my kid needed clothes and shoes, the house had to have significant works to sell at a good price. Nobody would lend money to me at a decent interest rate because of my situation. People almost never call back from public services, you have to fight… the stress! I was literally turned away by every mortgage company in buying a new home, and despite me having the greater financial interest in my home now, the financial situation I am in, on UC and caring full time for my son, trying hard to progress in too many areas, meant that they could essentially pummel me into agreeing to things and them saying, 'yes, it’s a good use of our capital'! Less than half of the property value… but I am the one who has to beg and pay through the nose. Disgusted.

And inside all of this pressure is my son. The boy who I took out to eat as a treat with his friend, who said this is just too expensive… the kid who cares so much about fairness because he knows need. He is having far too much of an education about the word no and about the political motivations behind poverty and it’s long term searing into your psyche.

The government are a grotesque army of imbeciles who are greedier by the day. How dare they brush their heinous misuse of public funds under the carpet whilst they make millions of children far too knowledgeable about poverty and their decisions and inaction, their behaviours age the parents taking care of our children, precious time we should be growing spent counting pennies just in case…

We will get through won’t we? Not so much in the Christmas bag this year, but I paid off the credit from last year with some support and I can use it again, I’ll have to.

Take care everyone.


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Use Evelyn D's words in your own research or editorial
Changing Realities (2023), Evelyn D. https://changingrealities.org/e/tsFq5 (15 Dec 2022)
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